Down With Flowers! Down With Chocolate! Down With Jewels!

By Hugh O'Neill

Men of America, it's time for a revolution! Death to the clichés of Valentine's Day! Enough flowers! Enough chocolate! Enough jewels! This shopworn trio has degraded Feb. 14 into a paint-by-numbers ordeal. Every year, millions of panicked boyfriends and husbands waste their money on trite tokens that violate the first principle of gift-giving: A good gift is carefully customized, aimed with precision at a particular heart.

Flowers are the epitome of generic, as sendable to your mother on her birthday as they are to the woman who makes you glad to be a man. But because they're all-purpose, they lack power. The same is true of chocolate and baubles. They're pathetic, off-the-rack default gift choices by guys who, because they haven't been paying attention to the details of the woman they claim to love, have no better idea about how to salute her. Here's a sure-fire lameness-indicator: If you and your buddy could swap the Valentine's Day gifts you got for your women, they're no good, miles beneath her dignity, yours and, heck, even love itself.


This year, get her a gift that busts through the clichés and shouts the message every woman longs to hear: that you see her in particular, that you appreciate her virtues, her enthusiasms, that you are smitten with her, this one particular green-eyed beauty with the champagne laugh, the tender heart and the body that's God's best work. Don't panic. It's easier than it sounds. Don't dial 1-800-anything. Just follow this step-by-step plan.

Step 1

Choose one of her special interests as your gift theme: gardening, music, tennis, sex, traveling, lotions that smell great, working out, anything about which she's enthused. The narrower the focus, the better. If she enjoys making pasta, that's a stronger theme than just cooking. Yoga is sharper than fitness, and lavender is a much better place to start than some general sense that she likes fragrant goops. Your choice is key; it has to reveal that you're attuned to her. Remember, your goal is not to declare some vague generalized love, but to celebrate your delight in this unique, loveable woman.

Step 2

Buy a medium-sized woven basket (12 to 15 inches across), a few sheets of colorful tissue paper, a tube of wrapping paper and a roll of ribbon. Don't worry, my brothers, no advanced arts-and-crafts skills will be required. But the packaging of your Valentine's Day present is as important as its substance.

Step 3

Go to a store that specializes in stuff regarding your theme and cruise through, selecting a handful of small (and inexpensive) items with which you're going to fill the basket. Think gadgety, Christmas-stocking-stuffer type things. If she's a gardener that could include a small specialty spade, a bag of tulip bulbs, a cool set of clippers. For a chef, score a pasta hook, a lemon zester, some exotic whisk. If she's a bath-babe, try sponges, a tub pillow, a fig candle. A woman who travels on business would love a collection of make-travel-easier gizmos. Favor quirky, oddball specialty items, and keep in mind the second rule of gift-giving: It should be something that the receivers would never buy for themselves but would nonetheless get a big kick out of having. You'll need at least five items, but seven or more is better.



Step 4

Poof the tissue paper into the bottom of the basket and, channeling your inner window designer, arrange the items in the basket in what might be described as a bountiful cornucopia of small but cunning considerations.



Step 5

Cut a long (24-inch) piece of ribbon and unroll a large swath of wrapping paper (colorful side down) on the floor. Put the basket in the center, and then draw the paper up around it, gathering the paper up above the basket. Think of a cartoon bag of cash. Tie the ribbon around the gathered wrapping paper above the basket. Do not worry if this looks crummy, as though it was wrapped by a chimpanzee. That's actually a plus. When a guy ventures outside his comfort zone (wrapping paper and ribbon), women see it as touching. Most often, a woman's response to a poorly wrapped gift is to think "How sweet, the big lug tried to wrap this," not "My boyfriend is a chimpanzee."



Step 6

You're about to write a poem. Just two lines, aka a couplet. It has to 1) describe something about her and 2) assert that you're the luckiest guy on earth. That's all. Submitted for your consideration: "Beauty, charm, and grace so great/ I'm a lucky man to have my Kate." What's that? She's not named Kate? Well, if she's Jane or Elaine, then she's got a dazzling "brain." If she's Susan, she's amusin'. The word "queen" rhymes with Eileen and Maureen and … many others. If you can't think of a word that rhymes with her name, a jerry-built rhyme can have wit. Kathy can make a man so "hathy." Don't sweat the quality of the rhyme. A bad one can work for you like the chimpanzee-wrapping does, as in, "Awwww, he loves me enough to try poetry." Here's a fallback courtesy of Shakespeare: "For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings/ That then I scorn to change my state with kings." Write it on a card in a romantic Heathcliff-ian script, as though it were scrawled in a hurry during a windstorm on the moor. Tape it to the package, and you're done.



Above all, people long to be seen clearly and to be appreciated in their full them-ness. This just-for-her gift will do the trick. She'll know you've been paying attention. No big deal—just the ultimate sign of respect. And if you really want to move the woman who fills your heart, try this: A few months from now on May 12—or June 8 or Aug. 3 or any day on which flowers are not required—come through the door with a handful of posies you picked up at the fruit stand for $6 on your way home. Say something schmaltzy and—this is key—true, along the lines of "These beautiful things made me think of you." The impulsive purposelessness of the gesture will thrill her. And she deserves that, doesn't she? She's a wonderful, good-hearted, beautiful girl, you lucky, lucky guy.

Surviving Valentine’s Day solo

By Lori Gottlieb




Uh-oh. Just when you thought you’d gotten through New Year’s Eve unscathed, here comes another doozie of a holiday for singles: Valentine’s Day. For the uncoupled, the dreaded fourteenth day of February can be a pink-ribbon-and-teddy-bear-wrapped reminder (as if we needed one!) that we’ll be getting the entire bed to ourselves that night (again). Add to that the mall windows filled with heart-shaped balloons and the bombardment of ads from florists to jewelers, and Valentine’s Day can make you feel like you’re the only one who forgot to board Noah’s ark.

Well, take heart (so to speak): You are not alone. In fact, there are millions of other singles out there, each with his or her own strategy for getting through what might seem like the most unromantic day of the year—and maybe even having some fun. Here, some tactics to consider:

Denial: Denial may not be the smartest coping mechanism during the rest of the year (“Just because I found lipstick on his collar doesn’t mean he’s cheating, right?”), but on Valentine’s Day, it helps my single friends Gil and Heather. Gil says that by making fun of the holiday — “It’s a Hallmark invention” or “It’s a Pagan ritual” — he convinces himself that the day doesn’t have much true meaning. My friend Heather takes denial a step further. “They say loving yourself first is an important step to finding someone,” she explained. “It sounds cheesy, but one year friends and I got together for dinner to celebrate ourselves. We talked about the accomplishments we’d enjoyed since the last Valentine’s Day. Even if they were small things like new places we’d been, new foods we’d tried—anything that acknowledged that we’d grown in some way.” The result? “It was inspiring to take time to see what we have instead of what we’re missing. But I realize this also could be considered denial!”

Cruise for dates: Instead of pining away for a Valentine, my friend Marcelo decided to go out and find one. “One Valentine’s Day when I was single and lonely,” he said, “I went to the local Rite Aid to buy some sundries. I started talking to a cute girl who was also shopping. I figured, hey, she must be single if she’s shopping alone on Valentine’s Day. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner, since neither of us seemed to be busy that night, and she said yes.” Although it didn’t lead to a relationship, they had a nice time and wound up going out on a couple more dates. “Point is,” Marcelo said, “if you go out on Valentine’s Day and see a single person doing something incredibly mundane, then there is a good chance that person doesn’t have a significant other. The odds are markedly improved that if you ask the person for coffee or a drink, the answer will be yes.”

Pursue the impossible: A few years ago, when my friend Gil was hopelessly enamored of a neighbor whom he knew didn’t return his affection, he decided to ask her out anyway: “I got her this giant rose, in a box, wrapped in the biggest bow ever made, and invited her for dinner,” he said. And, it turns out, she accepted his offer. “Nothing ever came of that or many other gestures,” he admitted, sheepishly. But at least he got to spend the holiday with the woman of his dreams.

Help others: Sure, it’s easy to focus inward on our own romantic emptiness, but my friend Heather thinks reaching out should apply to Valentine’s Day as well. “On Thanksgiving, people go out of their way to make sure everyone has somewhere to go,” she said. “Why don’t we do that on Valentine’s Day, when we really need it? I want soup kitchens to hand out free pieces of pumpkin pie to single people on Valentine’s Day.” Well, perhaps not that exact idea, but giving those who’d appreciate it: Why not volunteer to do something nice for other people so that they feel loved—even if you don’t?

Revel: Two years ago, Bonnie decided to start a tradition of hosting a party attended only by her single friends. Not only is it a great opportunity to meet someone, but embracing the day feels empowering. My single friend Amy said that although she’d like to be coupled with the right person on Valentine’s Day, after spending the holiday with Mr. Wrong a few years ago, now she revels in being single rather than being with just anyone. “We had a very uncomfortable expensive romantic dinner,” she said of the guy she’d been dating. They broke up a week later. “I was so unhappy that Valentine’s Day, I remember thinking that it’s better to be single and happy than with someone just for the sake of being with someone,” she said.

Wear it on your sleeve: “I always wore red on Valentine's Day to show that I was embracing the holiday even though I was single,” said my friend Carolyn, who has since met and married her Valentine. “I thought that might save me from any ‘poor, pitiful single you’ comments and prevent anyone from tiptoeing around me that day fearing that I was feeling blue.” And it worked, Carolyn said: “How can anyone surmise that you’re feeling blue if you’re decked out in red?”

Be your own valentine: Another friend took matters into her own hands. “I always bought myself something absolutely lovely, like a thick cashmere sweater or a great beaded bracelet,” she said. “I have always been of the mindset that I love me and deserve to proclaim it to myself on February 14th, rather than to feel bad that someone else hasn't quite realized yet how terrific I am.”

The bottom line? Whatever strategy you choose, remember that Valentine’s Day isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway. Even if you have a Valentine (and especially if you’ve been together long enough that you’ve stopped closing the bathroom door), celebrating romance on a specific day each year tends to lose its luster. So just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re missing much. Oh, wait, that must be my denial kicking in.

How to Give Valentines to Friends

It's fun to acknowledge Valentine's Day (February 14) by remembering your friends and co-workers. With a little advance planning, your Valentine remembrances will be greatly appreciated but not too hard on your budget.

Instructions

STEP 1: Make a list of all the friends to whom you want to give valentines.

STEP 2: Decide what form your valentines will take: greeting cards, e-greetings, cookies, candy, flowers or special gifts.

STEP 3: Purchase greeting cards for out-of-town friends at least 10 days before Valentine's Day so that you can find a good selection. Mail them early so they will arrive in time for the holiday.

STEP 4: Order flowers at least 10 days ahead of Valentine's Day to be sure you can get the arrangement you want. Have them delivered on February 14.

STEP 5: Buy chocolates 10 days ahead and have them mailed from the store to the recipient, or take them with you to be delivered to friends personally.

STEP 6: Make cookies the night before Valentine's Day to be given to friends the next day. Bring a platter of Valentine's Day cookies to work to share with co-workers, or make up small plates of cookies for close friends and wrap them in cellophane with a red bow. Add a card with a personal message.

STEP 7: Send e-greetings on Valentine's Day or the day before. These are free and can be sent to anyone who has a computer and Internet access.

STEP 8: Give a single rose to special friends. Choose the color based on the sentiment you wish to convey (see "How to Choose the Right Color Roses to Send" in Related eHows).

STEP 9: Save extravagant or very personal gifts for special friends and deliver them personally and privately.

How to Write a Romantic Valentine

Love is in the air (and everywhere else) when you follow these tips for creating a romantic and personalized Valentine's Day greeting.

Instructions

STEP 1: Meditate upon the subject of your valentine. Make a list of your sweetheart's unique attributes, and focus on them in your note.

STEP 2: Choose a writing

STEP 3: Choose words that are positive, complimentary, romantic and deeply personal. Now is not the time to be shy.

STEP 4: Suggest a romantic interlude, or reminisce about a past encounter with your valentine. You can be discreet and seductive by weaving meaning into your words and asking your valentine to read between the lines.

STEP 5: Compare your valentine to a phenomenon that you find almost as stunning as him or her: a sunset, a rose, a waterfall.

STEP 6: Write with scented and colored pens


Tips & Warnings

The method of delivery can be as romantic as the card itself. Place your love note under a pillow or tucked between items on a breakfast-in-bed tray.

The 10 worst V-Day gifts

By Laura Gilbert

We know what you’re thinking: Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday. It’s forced. It’s too much pressure. But if you’re dating this month, you’ll probably wind up roaming the aisles for a gift to give your date on February 14th. And, “like it or not, Valentine’s Day becomes a test in which you have to show you’ve been paying attention to the other person’s taste,” says Christine Silvestri, founder of Urban Shopping Adventures, which gives tours of LA’s shopping districts.

But choosing the right gift can be quite a challenge: Too many frazzled sweethearts reach into the Valentine’s void for gift ideas and come up with something that’s just plain wrong. To help you avoid joining their ranks, we present the ten worst presents possible—and what to give your sweetie instead.

1. Ye olde bouquet of red roses and baby’s breath What’s wrong with it: Yes, you went out and got something nice and romantic. Unfortunately, certain types of flowers are the equivalent of a shrug because they are so predictable and clichéd... and the rose bouquet falls into this category quite neatly. Says Kristin, 40, of Lake Geneva, WI, “I was dating a guy who said he adored all my quirks and my adventurous spirit. Then he turned around and gave me a big bunch of roses with the lacy white stuff for Valentine’s. It was embarrassing, because I’m so not the kind of woman you give that to! It made me feel as if he didn’t really know me or get what I was all about.”

Indeed, Frank Leusner, manager of Delphinium Home, a popular gift shop in New York City, says this of the classic red and white bouquet: “There’s absolutely no thought behind it. It’s a copout because it’s just so expected.” Obviously, a gift that says “I’ve never paid attention to your tastes” or “This would also work well on a tombstone” is not a Valentine’s Day message worth sending. Or, consider the way Brittney Cason, relationship advisor for Elevate magazine in Charlotte, NC, puts it: “A gift should never make a woman wonder if you picked it out at the pharmacy while waiting to get a prescription filled on the way over.”

A simple solution: Ask one of your more florally-inclined friends to name a cool-looking bloom (think calla lily, parrot tulip, Gerbera daisy) and then buy three dozen of those. Or order up a monochromatic bouquet of various blooms in your honey’s favorite color—arrangements look especially striking when the flowers are all one shade.







2. A box of assorted chocolates What’s wrong with it: “Taking candy from guys you know on Valentine’s Day is the only thing more risky than taking candy from strangers,” says Amy Borkowsky, author of Statements: True Tales of Life, Love, and Credit Card Bills. Let’s face it—not all chocolates are created equal. And while a variety pack of sweets shows that you’re trying to cover the bases, the dark (or milk or white) secret is that some of these morsels will be, well, icky. Do the math: Out of every box of 15 assorted chocolates, a woman will probably have three or so favorites. And there’s all that crazy, frou-frou wrapping as part of the picture—enough satin and ribbon to fashion a child’s princess-bride Halloween costume. So what would you rather get? Three chocolates you want and 21 you don't—along with a lot of excess red metallic cardboard? Or a small box of something you actually like?

A simple solution: This is where a hefty dose of your sweetie’s favorite sweet can come in handy. “Get creative with your packaging or give it as a gift within a gift—who wouldn’t like that?!” says Silvestri. “If you’re dating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup gal, she’d rather have a bag of those in a nice hand-painted bowl or wrapped in a soft scarf than a lifetime supply of random chocolates in a heart-shaped box.”








3. Jewelry in a ring-sized box What’s wrong with it: In truth, most women love something glittery. But the biggest jewelry mistake a man can make is anything in a ring-size box — be it earrings, a pendant, or a one-ounce tube of saffron — that’s not, in fact, an engagement ring. Women know there are five key probable proposal days (namely, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, and her birthday), so giving her false hope on one of them is cruel. “When a girl sees that box, she’s either going to freak out because she’s not ready or hope that it is ‘The’ ring and then be disappointed, so it’s lose-lose,” says Cason.

A simple solution: Even if you do get her, say, pink-sapphire earrings — which we’re sure she’ll love — wrap them in a shirt box just so she doesn’t get the wrong idea.







4. Something girlie and decorative like a sachet, a candle holder, a silver wishing stone…What’s wrong with it: We’re talking about things like rhinestone-studded soap dishes, elaborate aromatherapy dispensing devices, and other stuff people would never buy for themselves. “Anything red and pink and cutesy often winds up being kind of cheap and useless when you look at it on February 15th—the luster is gone,” says Borkowsky. “And any solid red trinket risks saying, ‘I love you—just enough to get you Christmas stuff at 75 percent off.’” Recalls Adrienne, 35, of Cincinnati, “My boyfriend tends to get me things like little heart-shaped pink-velvet pincushions or a wreath of red-satin hearts for Valentine’s Day, because he thinks that’s in keeping with the theme of the day. I wish I could tell him to stop wasting his money this way. I never use that stuff!” So before plunking down your dough, ask yourself, “Do I see this gift bringing my date pleasure and enjoyment... or do I see it winding up in his or her guest room?” The answer ought to make your purchase decision very clear.

A simple solution: “Bath products are a great choice,” says Leusner. “You can find scents and formulas that suit your boyfriend or girlfriend’s personality, and most people really enjoy using them.”

5. A cute stuffed animal bearing a message of love What’s wrong with it: We’ve never heard anyone admit to expressing themselves best through plush koalas, yet that medium remains popular for many a romantic utterance. “It’s so cheesy,” says Leusner. “When you buy that gift, it could be for anyone—even a child. What’s an adult going to do with a stuffed animal?” We’ll tell you what: Stuffed animals get tucked somewhere out-of-the-way. And when the romance dies, the Stuffed Bear of Love serves no practical purpose, so the recipient feels pathetic keeping it around as a reminder of her ex (that’s you) and donates it to a children’s charity.

A simple solution: Cut out the middlebear, er, middleman, and make a donation in your honey’s name to a charity you think he or she respects. Now that’s a thoughtful gift.

6. Racy lingerie What’s wrong with it: Look, we all know that when you buy someone underwear, it’s more for you than for her. So don’t use Valentine’s Day as your excuse to present all the secret fantasies you’ve been keeping hidden away for the last 364 days. “A lot of the lingerie you see in stores for Valentine’s Day is opposite of women’s tastes,” warns Silvestri. Something that’s not her style can make her feel uncomfortable (figuratively and literally)—and criticized. The point of V-Day is to make couples feel happy about being together, so the last thing you want to say is “I don’t think you’re sexy enough—put this on.”

A simple solution: Buy a black or lacy version of a type of undie she already wears, if you two are intimate enough to know that kind of thing. At least you know you’re somewhere within her lingerie comfort zone. Or acknowledge the weather outside with something that will actually caress her skin for more hours than you: Long silk underwear.







7. Anything that could be considered a small appliance What’s wrong with it: A toaster, a humidifier, a yogurt-maker: Trust us, if she needed it so badly, she’d have gotten it already. “Being too practical is a real romance-killer—no one wants anything with an electrical cord for Valentine’s Day,” says Silvestri. (Disclaimer: This rule can be waived if you’re buying an mp3 player or pre-loading a digital camera with shots of yourself holding up signs that say “Will you marry me?”). Here’s how one recipient puts it: “My boyfriend knows I love to cook, especially Asian food. But when I unwrapped a rice cooker last Valentine’s Day,” says Amy, 39, of Portland, ME, “it just felt very room-mate or haus-frau-ish... as if he didn’t see me as this amazing woman who rocks his world.”

A simple solution: Get her something she absolutely does not need but that you know she’d love, whether it’s a helicopter tour of the city or a pair of microfiber massaging slippers. C’mon, it’s a day for romance, which is supposed to be fun—think about her definition of that and shop accordingly.

8. A nice bottle of cologne or perfume What’s wrong with it: It’s a time-honored gift, and all that fancy packaging might actually make you think you’re buying something your pumpkin will love. But the same spritz that reminds you of a splendid beach holiday in Europe may smell like bath day at the zoo to your beloved. Problem is, “Perfume choice is so specific that it’s a real challenge,” says Leusner. “It’s almost impossible to know what smells good to another person.” And let us not forget that nothing says “You smell weird” better than a bottle of concentrated fragrance. Recalls Danielle, 29, of Oakbrook, IL: “I like really feminine floral perfumes. When my boyfriend gave me this intense, musky stuff one year, I felt like, ‘Do you not know how I like to smell? or are you trying to tell me you wished I smelled like someone else?’ It really did a number on my confidence!”

A simple solution: Buy a soap, aftershave, or other body product in a fragrance that your loved one already has, or go for a high-end unscented body lotion.







9. A tie What’s wrong with it: “Women actually have a harder time than men shopping at Valentine’s Day, because there are fewer gift options for men than for women,” says Silvestri. “Still, a tie is a big yawn.” It’s amazing how many women complain about generic gifts and then hit the tie aisle for their man. At best, the tie is by a great designer—which the guy likely won’t care about. At worst, it’s a novelty accessory featuring pigs, the Blues Brothers, or some other unwearable shtick. But usually, it’s just “about” the color the guy usually wears, meaning he already owns a dozen of ’em.

A simple solution: Head a little further into the menswear section and pick out a great scarf instead—it’s more casual and therefore more wearable; some fun or extra-soft (cashmere, maybe) socks; or another item that shows a dash more originality.

10. A gift certificate What’s wrong with it: It’s one thing to not know exactly what your cutie might want, but it’s another to throw in the towel entirely. “Gift cards are too impersonal and disappointing,” says Borkowsky. “There’s no actual gift, yet you know how much someone spent. It’s like saying, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day, honey—I got you a price tag!’” Any gift for a service or store your partner doesn’t already frequent could be read as your attempt to change the person to your pleasing.

A simple solution: Take the money, re-read our suggestions above, and give gift-giving your best shot. Or, to earn bonus points, call your honey’s best pal and ask what to get—that will make a great impression on many levels.